A place to share a little piece of my mind, not that my mind is little. A place that gives me a reason to comment on ONE more thing. A place where no topic is off limits. (Shocker) A place that will hopefully make you laugh or at least smile. If it doesn't, take this place and shove it.
By Jenner | October 29, 2012 at 09:37 AM EDT | 1 comment
All of these presidential debates and campaigning tactics have had the reverse effect on me. Instead of feeling reassured and hopeful about the future of our country, I am worried and proud to be an American? "He did this", "He doesn't do that", "He promised this", "Big Bird", "Jobs", "Deficit", Blah Blah Blah. Can we please just get someone in there who is going to continue to fix some sh*t and call it good?!
That is why this is right up my alley. Making a joke out of a serious matter. That's how I deal with things.
By Jenner | August 06, 2012 at 07:56 PM EDT | 1 comment
I don't know about you but I have been glued to the television for the 2012 Olympics. It has consumed my life. There are so many amazing stories of athletes who have worked so hard to get where they are. The commitment. The time. The heart. Things we should all look up to. However, there is one area that doesn't get the attention it deserves. The Olympic face.
This broad won't sit right for a week.
I think she see's his good side.
You know what they say about a guy with big pits....small neck.
Ladies if you ever find yourself making this face while you're in that position you should probably think twice about what you're doing.
By Jenner | May 25, 2012 at 11:33 AM EDT | 1 comment
At 32 weeks pregnant I took on the task of the equally exciting yet dreaded maternity photo. I mean no girl I know likes to be photographed when they feel like large Marge. With that being said, there is such a marvel in the human body during pregnancy and the love it brings to your life that you want to remember forever.
I needed to find someone that saw what I wanted to see when I looked at a photo. Someone who captured that real life moment. Someone who looked passed the pretty picture and brought out the rawness of human emotion. Someone who wasn't going to make me look like this:
(No offense to this broad if that's what she's into. Hop! Hop!)
Being that we moved to south Florida to incubate our child, I wasn't familiar with the photographer community. I searched online and looked at probably 20 different "photographers" websites. I have that in quotes because hot damn there are websites that look like someone picked up a disposable camera, shot off some pictures when they woke up and called themselves a photographer. (Maybe I am just really critical because anyone that knows me knows how obsessed I am with photos.) Then finally I came across Sam I Am Photography. I clicked on the site and the first picture that popped up was exactly what I wanted to see, raw, original and the human spirit. As I looked through the gallery I knew this was the photographer for me.
Sam, short for Samantha, is a woman who could be the most "tell it like it is" person I have ever met. For me this is heaven! Everyone knows I'm not scared to say exactly what I think. Sometimes to a fault and not always at the most appropriate times but hey, I call it like I see it. This is what I found in Sam and for this shoot it was exactly what I needed. You're a little self conscious when you're at the tail end of your pregnancy to say the least so the more honest the better. I wasn't used to posing this new body of mine in positions that were "flattering". It's all I could do to look comfortable let alone try and look cute doing it. The home that was built in my uterus had become a mansion and the guest house was now at 5,000 square feet with the possibility of adding on an extra room over the next couple months. Good luck Sam on making me fall in love with photos of this scenario.
We met in a park to do the shoot. She advised against the typical "we live on the beach so lets do it on the beach" setting. I am so glad we trusted her. I wasn't trying to look like it was spring break and I was rockin' the baby bump with a Fat Tuesdays cup. We went through our wardrobes to coordinate clothing. Anything either one of us put on that wasn't the most flattering for us, Sam was sure to let us know. She didn't give us the typical "yeah that looks nice" as a "WTF" expression hid behind a clinched smile. You want your photos to be amazing and she has a recipe of truth to help you achieve that.
We shot for 3 hours and it flew by. The whole time cracking jokes and telling stories that were hilarious. Photographers have great stories. She made Ryan and I feel comfortable so that our connection would come through in our photos. It was such a fun experience for us. When we got our proofs we couldn't have been happier. There were a lot of things I was unsure of going into maternity shoot but there is one thing I know for sure now, she had succeeded in making me fall in love with the photos and I totally forgot about the construction that had taken place on my body.
So to anyone who needs a photographer in South Florida I HIGHLY recommend the wonderful Samantha Scott. It will be more than just a shoot. It will be an experience you will thank her for later.
By Jenner | April 07, 2012 at 05:27 PM EDT | No Comments
Just wanted to share some of the unspoken aftermath of labor. Some call it part of the "healing process". I call it the "are you f*&#in kidding me process".
I'd like to thank Honey Boo Boo Child for this interpretation of my stomach after our child was evicted from the house he built for 10 months.
Something else people fail to talk about is your life as a giant pad collection. I have pads in every under garment I own. Ugh. Thank you to this young chap for modeling what I would look like if clothes were optional.
By Jenner | January 16, 2012 at 12:16 PM EST | No Comments
Here are my two picks for Best Dressed from the Golden Globes 2012. The always stunning Kate Beckinsale in Roberto Cavalli with jewels by Lorraine Schwartz and Colin Firth in Tom Ford. Can I just say that I have a MAJOR obsession with Tom Ford and Kate Beckinsale could pull off a potato sack if it sparkled. By far my two favorites. Well done.
My two "um....no" picks from the Golden Globes 2012 are Sarah Michelle Gellar in Monique Lhuillier (which breaks my heart) and Ricky Gervais in an aubergine Ted Baker tuxedo. The whole "my daughter picked my dress" situation from SMG is a cop out. You know once she started to see the reactions she had to come up with something that people would have a soft spot for, children. Brilliant Buffy. As far as the Ted Baker tux goes, leave the burgundy to the wine.
By Jenner | August 03, 2011 at 12:09 PM EDT | No Comments
I thought I would share this piece of advise with everyone. I took it from my friend Jessica V.'s recent Facebook post. I have known her since the days of the Lobo and she still never fails to deliver a laugh. Hope you enjoy this hilarious little gem as much as I did.
To all the single ladies in a hurry to get married, here is a piece
of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited and finally found her
mate Boaz. So while you are waiting on your Boaz, do not settle
for any of his relatives... Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz,
By Jenner | June 14, 2011 at 03:24 PM EDT | No Comments
Insert the biggest a**hole to date in the history of the Bachelorette, Bentley Williams. I'm not saying there hasn't been some shady ones in the past but this dude takes the cake and licks the bowl. It's one thing to come on the show and realize you don't have feelings for a woman. It is a whole other level of prickness to state that to everyone else, make a mockery of it, and towards her act as though you truly care. I'm gonna go ahead and say that this is not this guy's first tango with deception. The level of respect he carries for women is so obvious, zero. The best part, he is raising a daughter. WOW.
I will give this douche a smidge of credit, like maybe a splinter size. Ninety nine percent of even the chosen ones end up as scumbags. At least this jacka** has been a piece of crap from the jump and didn't let her find it out after there was a ring on it.
With that being said, this is where I blame us as females. Why do we, as women, choose a guy that we have been warned about and probably know isn't a good idea?! Is it that we hope that this time he will be different with us?! Insert straight up STUPIDITY and F U Cinderella!! Cinderella's whole story is a such a lie. LOL. We hold onto these fairy tales as little girls and believe in their outcomes when we should be looking at the reality that surrounds us. Real relationships have of ups and downs and hopefully end up on the other side together and still respecting one another. Cinderella had ups and downs with two random hos and some dude made that all go away, COME ON!!
We've probably all made choices in love that may not have come from a clear head or heart and looking back, if we were truly honest with ourselves, we probably knew better. On the flip side, it is those same choices that take you to where you are suppose to be. The problem is when you continue to choose the Bentley you are not learning. Instead of moving forward, you're treading water and looking for someone to throw you a life preserver while your Bentley cracks open another cold one and circles you in his boat. Oh and did I mention there were other women in his boat?! Just gonna throw that out there. Lesson: You can only tread water for so long before you drown.
I am passing this knowledge on from a place of understanding not from a place of preaching. Trust me, there was a time when I would have given anything to be on a boat with T-Pain instead of training to beat Michael Phelps in the Olympics. If you are completely stripped of what you believe you are building the right way, it is to help you realize that you were completely building YOURSELF the wrong way. I've said it before and I will repeat it every day of my life to anyone that will listen, trust THE MOST when things DO NOT work out. From jobs, to relationships, to friendships, even to putting up a light fixture (which had to be done three times because of me, I love you lol), there is a reason when it doesn't work. You have to trust in a greater plan. What is meant to work the right way cannot be built the wrong way if it is to succeed. Get yourself right first and the greater plan will fill you up more than you could ever imagine. From the littlest moments to the biggest events in your life, your cup will be full. Most importantly your prince will come in, not to fix your life but to enhance what you have fixed.
By Jenner | April 19, 2011 at 02:08 PM EDT | No Comments
This could possibly be the best fountain of all time! This pic was sent to me by someone who truly understands my deep appreciation for sick humor. Of course, I died. God for bid I just look at this for what it is.
Instantly two scenarios came to mind. 1: Demonstration for the ovarian heimlich (which I just made up-see definition below). 2. I would say they are a bit young for relations in the park on a Saturday afternoon.
I mean even if this fountain were just simulating a drink of water to the normal minded person, where is this water coming from? A geyser?! Holy crap. By the looks of it he is tall enough to get his own hydration and she is the same size so technically no boost is needed. Please work on your real life dimensions Mr. Sculptor. It just looks like a reason to cop a feel to me. Then to make this pose into a fountain and put in a public place, really? There are people with twisted minds, like me, who will not be able to keep a straight face in front of their children when they encounter this fountain of yours. I am not trying to explain to my kids why Annie is sitting on Timmy's lap, Timmy has a hold of her Wendy and I have a look on my face like, "WTF?!".
Child A: "Where's the water mommy?"
Me: "They drank it and now they're stuck. Don't ever let anyone lift you up to a fountain."
**Not to mention what is Timmy wearing?!
Ovarian Heimlich Heim·lich (hïm'lîk'): The technique of trying to eject an obstruction from the ovarian of another (or eject the actual ovary at this rate). Also known as: Squashin the baby maker boa constrictor style.
By Jenner | March 25, 2011 at 01:06 PM EDT | No Comments
I found THE BEST home remedy for getting the smell of pet urine out of the carpet! I have tried EVERY product on the market and I am floored at how well this worked. Hence, the reason I feel the need to share urine remedies publicly. Clean it up Evans, literally. *zing*
You will need:
distilled white vinegar
1/2 cup hydrogen peroxide
1 T laundry detergent
1. In a squirt bottle mix half water & half distilled white vinegar. Shake it up.
2. In a bowl mix 1/2 cup of Hydrogen Peroxide and a Tablespoon of laundry detergent. (If you don't have hydrogen peroxide you can use a carpet cleaner or stain remover liquid that has the word "OXY" in the product, that usually means it contains hydrogen peroxide. For the detergent part, I just used my regular Tide.)
3. Spray the water/vinegar mixture directly onto the stain. Use a scrub brush to work thoroughly into the carpet. Dab up the excess moisture with a paper towel to make it as dry as possible.
4. Next take a hand full of baking soda and sprinkle it over the area.
5. Then using the mixture in the bowl from Step 2, place spoonfuls sparingly over the backing soda. Make sure you cover the baking soda as good as you can but do not pour directly from the bowl to prevent putting excess in one area.
5. Use the scrub brush again to work the baking soda/hydrogen peroxide/detergent into the carpet. Scrub thoroughly until the carpet starts to return to it's original form.
6. Allow the treated area to air dry and then vacuum.
*TEST out on an area of your carpet to make sure it doesn't affect the color of your carpet. My carpet is off white and it was fine but not sure the effects on darker carpet.
*WITH larger areas being treated you may need to adjust the quantities of the ingredients accordingly so you are not making it multiple times.
By Jenner | March 16, 2011 at 05:01 PM EDT | 1 comment
We all have been enjoying the guilty pleasure of Charlie Sheen, or at least I have. When I first watched his interview on 20/20 I thought it was a joke and that he was playing up the character. Now, I stand corrected. DUH. He is for sure on a whole other level of nutbagness. The part that confuses me is that he appears to be very clear and "sane" about the insanity he spits. Sheen has just signed a deal to market "Winning" merchandise. He has even tattooed the phrase on his body. He now holds two records due to his "rantics". One being the 1 million plus followers on Twitter in 24 hours, take that Kim K., and the second being the fastest sellout of tickets on Ticket Master ever (12 minutes) for his upcoming comedy tour. So here is my question, does this man really NOT know what he is doing?!
We all know he ruined his relationship with the producers of "Two And A Half Men" and is now jobless. Umm he cannot afford to be jobless. He has bills that include $110,000/month in child support, his Goddess housing project, paying for multiple lawyers, purchasing alleged substances, paying for cars, homes and last but not least, drug tests that apparently come back clean since he is made of Tiger Blood. Holy crap someone needs to get this dude a lottery ticket stat.
When I think about everything that is happening with Charlie Sheen, I think about this: For a person who is being broken down by the world to take a hold of their destruction and profit from it is nothing short of genius. Britney wasn't capitalizing on clippers when she shaved her head. Miley wasn't capitalizing on a bong line when her creepy laugh took over the airwaves. Tiger wasn't capitalizing on condoms when his sex addiction ran rampid on vaginas nation wide. I would say Charlie Sheen is definitely Bi-winning! After all it's not what you get yourself into, it's how you come out of it that matters so pass the Tiger Blood.
By Jenner | February 21, 2011 at 01:16 PM EST | No Comments
Meet Milo and Otis take the open road. I have stared at this for at least 30 minutes trying to make sure this photo is real and that the goat hadn't been capped and tied on with rope. The goat's head is very erect and not hanging limp to one side. (Whoa that sentence is heavily loaded with certain words. Haha. Clean it up Evans.) Unless this animal is the goat version of Fifty Cent, shot 8 times and still on the scene, I would go ahead and say he's never been shot at. Both of the guy's hands are on the handle bars, not holding onto the goat and I'm pretty sure that hairy little beast is not riding in a see through Baby Bjorn. It is definitely alive and not attached to the man with anything. I understand that goats are notorious for climbing on everything in site but an 80 lb human body to go for a Sunday stroll is a bit much.
By Jenner | February 07, 2011 at 12:55 PM EST | No Comments
Taking the number one over all BEST COMMERCIAL Award is Volkswagen's, The Force. It is the cutest thing ever! All of us can relate to being a child and wanting super powers. I mean I would still like to have them. Whether you are a person who has no children, lots of children or raising some one else's children this commercial should have made you smile. Well done Volkswagen.
Taking the award for FUNNIEST COMMERCIAL is Doritos, The Best Part. It was rated on The View this morning as, The Creepiest Super Bowl Commercial of 2011. I beg to differ! Straight genius and twisted comedy is right up my alley. Well done by Doritos on all of their spots but this one holds the trophy.
The commercial that wins the MOST INSPIRATIONAL Award goes to Chrysler's, Imported From Detroit. It was a moving spot that made me proud for the people who are from and live in Detroit. As a person who knows nothing about that city other than the movie 8 Mile and a certain Mr. and Mrs Dougie, it is cool to see in that light. Brilliant by Chrysler's end by using Eminem in the spot to portray the feeling of pride in the city and where the car is built.
The WORST COMMERCIAL Award goes to GoDaddy.Com and their spot with Joan Rivers. Holy crap it wasn't even funny and if anything creeped me out a little and I normally love Joan Rivers! I feel like they were pushing to do something really funny and should just stick to advertising with T & A where no one is paying attention to the content.
Whoa how about I didn't even know Shape-Ups were sexing?! I guess this one deserves the award of ADDING SEX TO YOUR PRODUCT WILL MAKE IT MUCH MORE APPEALING THAN IT REALLY IS or ADDING KIM K'S PUMPKINS TO A PRODUCT WILL GUARANTEE SUCCESS. Don't hate when you see me at the club in Shape-Ups.
By Jenner | February 04, 2011 at 05:37 PM EST | No Comments
A couple weeks ago I decided to catch up on the performances of the 2011 SAG Awards nominees. I started with a movie called, "Rabbit Hole" that Nicole Kidman had been nominated for in the category of, Outstanding Performance By A Female Actor In A Leading Role. This movie it is a about a married couple who loses their 4 year old son. It shows the grieving process each of them go through after his death and the toll that it takes on their relationship and the relationships around them.
As I watched this movie, it reminded me that we should truly appreciate the people who love and surround us in dark times and how important it is to communicate. The sad thing is that the people we should be appreciating usually end up being the ones we take our hurt and anger out on the most. I think about my mom and how she dealt with me during the lowest point in my life thus far. I think about how she never gave up on healing me. How she continued to plug away at me even though I had completely shut down to her and everyone else that tried to reach for me. The many different avenues she took to get to me and comfort me. The numerous times I wanted nothing to do with anything she said or did. All the times I snapped at her over the littlest things, when where I was at was not her fault. The tears she wiped away. The heart she tried to heal. The love she gave just through a simple hug. All things I pushed away to deal with myself. The saying, "you hurt the ones you love the most" is so true and so not fair.
It's hard for me to understand and wrap my mind around the space I was in at that time because it wasn't me. I am so grateful for my mom and closest friends that sat by my side patiently with such understanding and waited for me to return. It is the true love and strength of people close to you who continue to stand you up when all you want to do is lay down in the dark and not move, speak or breathe that end up saving your life.
If there is one thing I wish I would have done more of during my time of grief, it is this: In the moments of feeling nothing but hopelessness to the very core of your being, take time to acknowledge the support and forgiveness you're receiving from the ones around you. Let them know you appreciate them for being by your side while you cry, while you yell, while you dwell, while you sleep and while you try to put one foot in front of the other and never judging. Unconditional love doesn't come around that often. So, if you are blessed to be surrounded by it take the time to appreciate it before it is gone.
By Jenner | January 06, 2011 at 05:28 PM EST | 1 comment
This topic came to mind last night while having a dinner date with a close friend. I can't stop laughing and must address it publicly. It's such a simple act of showing affection but can quickly turn into a small drowning with no life preserver if you're not careful.
She told something that I'm pretty sure I almost peed. She said, "I'm not kidding you, when he kisses me....I feel like it could be Steven." Insert Steven (above) is my 65 lb English Bulldog who is not scared to try and fit his enitre mouth around your face when he greets you.
I started thinking about it and DANG! Why do people think a wet, sloppy, salivating stab at your tonsils is gonna turn you on?! I don't get it. I don't care if your lips look like Lisa Rinna or you're totally missing a top lip and mistakenly put lip gloss on your gums as a result, that area is not to be painted with a gallon of spit. I'm not a fan of the saliva cocktail, are you?!
There is nothing sexier than a great kisser, trust me. I hold it very high in priority. It's basically a deal breaker to me if you suck. You can kiss someone sensually without trying to see how far back you can place your tongue and the last thing I wanna feel is that thing fighting for it's life in my oral cavity. Call me shallow, I don't care. I'm not here to have your breath all over my face when your done. Maybe when we were 13 years old you got by with a hall pass but definitely not acceptable now. It's straight to detention with a very high probability of expulsion.
So ladies and gentlemen, please, please do not slobber on each other. If your kiss is a pre-cursor to your "relations", you better be on point or you will be relating to yourself.
By Jenner | December 27, 2010 at 06:51 PM EST | No Comments
Does she come with the mattress?
I am fully into men, one in particular, but if I had to bat left handed Miss Leighton would be drafted in the first round. My initial obsession with Meester came about from falling in love with her character, Blair Waldorf, on the hit show Gossip Girl. We all relate to certain characters because we recognize a little of ourselves in them. In her her real life, Meester comes from trying times. She shares her story of her mother and a very real side of life. She nails her role in Gossip Girl, she is a musician and now can be seen starring alongside Gwyneth Paltrow in, "Country Strong". This young lady is on her way up and looking fab the whole way. Well done Leighton, well done.
Leaving you with a favorite quote from Leighton's character on GG that is always a good tag line between my bestie and I......
"Your hair has missionary written all over it." -Blair Waldorf
By Jenner | December 23, 2010 at 03:22 PM EST | No Comments
Insert my evidence of why I think Santa is creepy. I mean there is a reason it takes kids a while to warm up to a man with a whole face of white hair in a big red suit who just keeps chuckling. People chalk it up fear. I chalk it up to trusting your gut because holy crap even as a child it doesn't lie. Back in the day, like in 1920, when things weren't so perverse and people actually respected one another then maybe it was fine. In 2010 I just feel lap sitting on a Santa is a little suspect. When they hire these Santas, are they finger printed and background checked?! For all we know kids are sitting on creepy Uncle Bob who always shows up at family functions with candy.
I'm sure because I am addressing this issue with Santa it may cause questions to arise if I personally ever had a "Santa encounter". The answer is definitely no. It's called realizing our world is headed south quick and there are more people with issues then not. Trust me, as a child if a Santa ever pulled the ol' "hey little girl" I probably would have speed bagged him in his little drummer boy.
I don't mean to scare the crap out of my friends with kids. I apologize, sorta. All I ask is that you inspect your Santa's behavior before you send your child into the firing zone. I'm all about the Santa "idea". I just feel like kids should walk up, shake hands, high five, maybe do a little dance, grab a candy cane and roll out. Wham, bam and on to next year.
By Jenner | December 17, 2010 at 04:07 PM EST | No Comments
Rule #2: Forgive for yourself not for the other person.
I recently had a conversation about forgiveness with a friend who is deep in the beginning of the process in order to save her relationship. It resinates. I probably had my biggest lesson in forgiveness over the past couple years of my life and I will tell you this, forgiveness is definitely not a light switch that just all of a sudden flips on when you have reached a certain point. It is something that you do every single day and over time becomes only a situational practice when you are faced with emotional triggers.
She asked me, "What is forgiveness? I don't think I actually know what it is, just that I need to do it." My answer is this, forgiveness is about accepting and letting go in order to move forward with yourself. Forgiveness is not about the other person. It is about you and your healing process. (PLEASE NOTE* I speak of forgive and it by no means means forget. I will never forget, but I can control forgive.) It's about looking at yourself, taking responsibility for your part and forgiving them for theirs.
No one walks the same path in life so everyones's timeline for forgiveness is unique to their pain and situation. Most of the time it won't happen over night. It may not even happen for years but I promise it will happen when YOU allow it. The longer you hold onto the situation, the longer it will take for you to move forward. It has already taken enough of you so don't continue to feed it by remaining stuck. Forgive to let go. Forgive to move forward. Forgive for yourself.
I forgave so that I could keep going. I forgave so that my life would not be filled with harbored resentment, anger, embarrassment, shame and humiliation. I forgave for the person that I will love in my future. I forgave because what the other person has to answer for at the end of their life is more than what you could make them answer for in this one. I forgave to free myself from the past. I forgave for me.
Forgiveness is something every single one of us will face at some point, if not multiple points, in our lives. I know the process is easier said than done, trust me. So many "why's" combined with pain and a lack of trust makes for a tough road of hard work ahead of you. But always remember, things that are really worth it are usually the one's that require the most work. Freeing yourself from a hurtful situation in the past is worth it. Life is too short to dwell. Face the situation head on, do not be embarrassed that some where it went wrong, accept the truth, forgive yourself and last but not least forgive them. You can't erase the past but you can control what you write in your future.
By Jenner | December 13, 2010 at 05:05 PM EST | 1 comment
Miley has been the topic of controversy lately over recent choices she has made in her life. Everything from her clothing, to sippin Coronas overseas a week before her 18th birthday and now the use of the bong. TMZ recently released a video of Miley Cyrus showing her admiration for salvia. Salvia is a hallucinogenic herb that is legal in the state of California (of course) where the video was shot and is smoked through a bong. I agree that when you are in the public eye you have to be more cautious of what your "public" image says and does to kids that look up to you. Notice I said kids because these kids all look up to the idea of Hannah Montana. Pretty sure Disney has yet to shoot an episode where Hannah is rollin Js on the beach with Jackson while consuming bags of Cheetos. The day that episode airs on Disney is the day I will discourage Hannah Montana as a role model for children.
With that being said, it's not even the main reason I chose to blog about this story. There is an element of this whole thing that irritates the living crap out of me! As I watched the video I COULD NOT get over the stupid B who was filming it! You hear her laughing and saying, "I am going to document the sh*t out of this right now". You know she hit that herself before she passed it over and oh so conveniently failed to "document the sh*t" out of herself. For her to actually release the video, WOW! What kind of "friend" pulls that crap knowing what it could do to her friend's image?!
To Miley's stupid, user, fake & wack ass "friend" you need a lesson on friendship so here ya go:
1. You should have checked her on smoking anything around a grip of people like you.
2. You should have encouraged her to inhale alone in the bathroom because of people like you who like to "document".
3. You should have taken her to the restroom your damn self, lit the bong and not let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
By Jenner | December 02, 2010 at 04:34 PM EST | No Comments
In my long years of life, love and relationships I have created a list of rules that should at least be given some thought. I say "should" because Lord knows I have closed the book on that list of rules more than once in my life.
Rule #1: Do not be in love with potential.
I repeat, do not be in love with potential. I cannot say it enough. What I mean by this is that we all have met someone and thought, "wow he/she would be perfect if...." or "hopefully he/she will change down the road if...". Wrong betches! I have been so guilty of this in the past and I'm not scared to call myself out. There have been relationships in my life that I thought I could be the one to change him and when I did it would make everything better. I would be happier, our relationship would be stronger, I would ride in a carriage that came from a pumpkin every time we had date night, get it together Jenner.
When you love the potential of a person or the potential of the relationship you are not looking at the reality. The reality is that every "flaw" or "behavior" that sends a little question mark straight to your botox is there for a reason and will most likely be staring you in the face down the road the same way it was in the beginning.
You have to take someone for who they are when they show you. Note I said SHOW not tell. Actions speak volumes and words are like the value of the US dollar, cheaper today then 5 years ago. If someone shows you they are not capable of making a commitment why are you still around months down the road?! Because they could "potentially" change their mind. Wrong. If someone shows you that they say all these fabulous things and don't have the actions to back it up, why are you still listening to them?! Because they may "potentially" do what they say their gonna do. Um no. If someone has lied to you in the beginning (1. character flaw), why do you believe anything they say from there on out?! Because they could "potentially" be telling the truth the next time. Welcome to your speed bag.
I hope you now understand what I mean about not being in love with potential. It's like purposely setting yourself up for a big #fail all over your twitter. If you're gonna love, love as is. Take the good, the bad and the ugly and deal with it. Make a choice knowing all of those things if the relationship, AS IT IS NOW, is for you. Don't make a choice based on how it could be in the future.
I mean don't get me wrong, potential is a wonderful thing to think about! I could potentially travel every where in a carriage, have a body like Giselle and win the lottery twice in the next 10 years....
By Jenner | November 24, 2010 at 11:37 AM EST | No Comments
I mean if I wasn't so scared of Turkey carcass this would definitely be the turkey that would be taking center stage on my table. Except, it would be in a Hooters uniform just for tribute. After all, many great people and memories that I am thankful for started with mild, medium or hot.
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I wish it happened more than once a year. Some people probably think I'm a little bias because it's always around the time my mom slammed a nurse to the ground as I fought my way through a little canal into this world. You're welcome mom. Should have thought about how small the space was before hand and maybe we could have made it a little easier on the both of us. *cough* c-section.
I have so many people and experiences to be thankful for in my life. First I'd like to pull a little move by Diddy and give thanks to the Big Man (just pointed to the sky). My life wouldn't be where it is if I didn't trust in my path and something greater then myself. Next, the love of my family. I couldn't imagine not having the support I do from a circle that believes in me. Third, my wonderful, fabulous, hilarious & loyal friends. Everyday is a great day because of our experiences and making the most out of any situation that may fall in our laps. Being an only child you don't have the bond of a sibling or the feeling of knowing that another person has shared life with you everyday, at least a little. So, that is where I hold my closest friends, as family. I love you all and each one of you has gotten me through something in life with your laughter and I don't know what I would do without you.
Last but not least, I am a little thankful for Mr. Don Julio. You, my friend, help me get this crazy B named Ginger out of my system so Jenner can focus. If you haven't met Ginger consider yourself lucky.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING everyone!! Take it all in! Love, LAUGH A LOT, eat, drink and don't take the time with your family for granted. It's so cliche but you never know what tomorrow may bring. Safe travels!
By Jenner | November 10, 2010 at 06:49 PM EST | No Comments
A mother in Lee's Summit, MO recently blogged about her 5 year old son's choice for a Halloween costume this year. He decided he wanted to go as Daphne from Scooby Doo. She asked him on five separate occasions to make sure that this was what he really wanted. When he didn't change his mind she bought him the costume. Who would have thought out of all the Halloween costumes to choose from HE would want to be HER.
Her son expressed to her his fears about wearing the costume to school and getting laughed at. For five years old, this little boy was very aware he was going against the "norm" and that there would be reprecussions. When they arrived at school that day he was scared to get out of the car. She encouraged him to stay strong and walked him into school for support. Now this is where I start to have an issue. She states, "Two mothers went wide-eyed and made faces as if they smelled decomp. And I realize that my son is seeing the same thing I am. So I say, "Doesn't he look great?" And Mom A says in disgust, "Did he ask to be that?" I say that he sure did as Halloween is the time of year that you can be whatever it is that you want to be. They continue with their nosy, probing questions as to how that was an option and didn't I try to talk him out of it. Mom B mostly just stood there in shock and dismay."
In regards to Mom A & B, how dare you as grown women, mothers and supposed nurturers place judgement on a child?! You should be ashamed of yourselves. You should know better, you are raising children yourselves. How are we suppose to start this massive movement to stop the bullying for school-aged kids when we as adults are the ones engaging in it? Whether you believe it or not, you are your child's greatest teacher. Children are like sponges. They absorb every smirk, every snide remark, every under your breath comment, every mannerism and every attempt we make to cover up when we know we are wrong. They are always watching and learning.
When he grows up will he be the next big winner of RuPual's Drag Race because he dressed up as a female for Halloween? Or could this determine his sexual orientation as an adult? Maybe and maybe not. It is not for us to determine. What is for us to determine is how we will lead our youth into this fight against bullying. It needs to start with parents. Parents who should set an example for their children on how to accept others who are "different" from them. It's a basic lesson called, "We are all created equal." Actions speak louder then words. Don't just say it, be it. Do you judge other people? Do you judge children? Do you judge other parents? I have said it before and I will say it again, "Don't judge. Your name is not Judy."
I am so glad this woman chose to support her child. I am also glad that this story sparked enough controversy to gain national media attention. But most of all, I am glad this 5 year old little boy has bigger set of balls then a lot of men I know and chose to rock them in a Daphne costume!! Oh snap!
By Jenner | November 01, 2010 at 05:45 PM EDT | No Comments
Normally I use my blog to write about things to make you laugh, or not. However, today has become a little day of reflection. It's probably brought on by the time of year and the start of the holiday season. It makes me want to be around family and share life with someone I love.
Like a true cutter, I started off my morning by watching Seal's new video "Secret". (I should have started my morning with studying not distraction, typical.) The video is done with his beautiful and amazingly talented wife, Heidi Klum. If you haven't watched it I suggest you do. It shows a side of love, lust and truth of knowing another person so well that you feel at peace with yourself in their arms. Well done by The Seals. Is that what they go by?!
Anyway, this damn 3 minute segment got my mind going about love and what I want for myself. Then to add to my already overly analytical mind, my conversations started early this morning discussing friend's relationships. All of which oddly had one thing in common, the relationship taking precedence over the person. Insert I relate.
I spent a good majority of a past relationship catering to the relationship and not to myself. I loved deeper then I had ever loved in my life and used that as justification to sweep under the rug the fact I that I was not fully living me. I was so scared to lose this particular love that I unconsciously began to take a back seat in my own life. Needless to say I am not a back seat driver so we all know how that worked out. When things didn't turn out as I had planned I knew I needed to take a good look at myself, not just his phone bill. If something doesn't work out you cannot blame it all on the other person. You have to take responsibility for your actions. I stand by the fact that it takes two to build it and it takes two to tear it down. I regret not putting my foot down about who I was and standing by what I had been through in life. I regret not having my own life inside my relationship. I regret not pushing myself harder to have both my career and my relationship side by side. But most of all I regret putting the relationship before I put myself. All things of which I didn't even realize were affecting me so negatively until I had gotten speed bagged in the face repeatedly by this situation in order to learn the lesson. Thank you Tyson.
My ability to love was definitely questionable after being put on IR from that match. However, lucky for me He always has a bigger plan and everything and everyone is put into your life for a reason. As I started to peal off the last bandaid, I was blessed with an amazing individual. He was raw with his emotions, confident in himself and was persistent in spite of me trying to jump out of the ring multiple times because of my fears. This man showed me every ounce of his character when he did not once hold over my head who I had been with, sadly something I had become so use to. He didn't make me feel like I was damaged because of the demise of my previous relationship. He told me, "I know the person you are and I am proud of the person who you are." He was the start of the light at the end of the tunnel. I had finally won a round without taking a one two combo to the kidneys and knew from that point on I was always going to be fine. He showed healthy love again in my life. He let me be me. He understood there were two sides to Jenner (I could argue that there are more, definite nutbag). There is social Jenner, which at times made him cringe at the things I would tweet but he never told me to stop, and there is the Holly Homemaker Jenner that wants to mom the world. Not once did he ever choose to love one side of me and not the other. He loved me exactly the way I was. Something I hadn't seen in a long time. I will always be extremely grateful for this person in my life and to be shown that LOVE, the right way, is ALWAYS possible. Even after a couple rounds with Mike.
So to my little butter cups that are figuring out their own paths and self-worth I leave you this: Be yourself and everything YOU want to be. Don't get caught up in being who someone else thinks you should be. You set the standard with how you will be treated from the very beginning. Set it correctly. Respect yourself enough to be respected. Be confident in who you are and what you have to offer. There is no such thing as perfection. Stop looking for it. Stop trying to be it. Stop trying to mold someone else into it. Don't be in love with someone's potential. Be in love with who they are this very second. Love openly and honestly no matter how many times you have lost the fight. Last but not least remember......
By Jenner | October 26, 2010 at 04:23 PM EDT | No Comments
I decided to search for a photo of a tater tot to post on my friend Thomas's FB due to his new found harassment of my love of tots. I am talking Napoleon Dynamite style love. As I started a google search I came across this photo. It is literally a pan full of a tater tots. I didn't know whether to shut my computer or count the creepy little faces in the pan. I can't stop staring at it and I know I am totally increasing my chances of a nightmare tonight.
By Jenner | October 25, 2010 at 04:08 PM EDT | No Comments
So apparently Justin Bieber has chosen his next huge avenue to help expand his empire. This mighty mogul could have gone a lot of routes with his next business adventure but has chosen the amazing world of nail lacquer. Yes, The Biebs is coming out with a nail polish line. The line will be called "One Less Lonely Girl" and will be sold exclusively at Walmart over the holidays. He has teamed up with brand Nicole to create this sparkly little situation. Insert I have an opinion, shocker. I was one of the first cougs to admit out loud to the general populationthat I had "the fever" and pray that I didn't get arrested for it. I finally became sold on this kid's swag when I saw him on Chelsea Lately, one of my FAV shows, giving Miss Handler a run for her money. His ability to keep up with her wit and not be intimidated by his adult super star encounters made me cheer him on. Well that, his fashion sense and signature hair swing. Not to mention I'm a little jealous of his perfect pout.
However, nothing lasts forever. I knew eventually he would be taken down from his reign on top of the media pedestal. I was just hoping it would be more along the lines of a mug shot not a nail polish line. Talk about dropping your cool factor down to the Mickey Mouse Club. I mean if he had gotten in trouble at least he would have be workin' with in the bad boy factor. Purposely linking yourself to nail polish as young teenage boy puts you on the list of 'things that make you go hmmm'.
By Jenner | October 14, 2010 at 01:30 AM EDT | No Comments
I'd like to say Happy Halloween; Kim Kardashian has just smuggled in a pumpkin. When I saw these photos on Perez I thought "NO Way". There is no way that these are in W Magazine and she posed only semi-nude in Playboy. "Semi" as in pearls that had been strategically placed to hide her wendy and cover her chocolate chips on her chest. Good for her for showing all the ass haters that this is in fact 100% real Armenian booty and P.S. can you hold my drink? This is definitely not a case of butt augmentation. Butt implants sit high on the glutes. They're like Booty Pop but cannot be tossed on the floor while a flat ass climbs into bed. I mean Booty Pop has got to be a real let down for the guy/girl who thinks they're going home with some donk. Oh I'm sorry, is that your ass on the floor?!
Say what you will about Miss Kim but it takes some balls to be photographed completely naked and let me and every other human being take a crack (no pun intended) at making comments on her dairy aire. I applaud you, Kim, with my golf clap. Well done, Happy 30th in your birthday suit and Holy KARDASH-O-LANTERN!!
By Jenner | October 07, 2010 at 01:06 AM EDT | No Comments
Who meets a dude at Walmart?! Not saying it can't happen but you get why this is hilarious to me. Although, maybe it's just funny because of the Walmart I grew up around.
I have watched this show since they were 16 and Pregnant. I know call me a D-Bag, I'm totally fine with it. At least I can say I am a loyal D-Bag. My DVR is set to capture this chaos every Tuesday. However, this is where I draw the line.....putting these girls on the cover of US Weekly and People magazine. They have now glorified these girls lives and overshadowed their "reality" with fame by doing this. Yes, this show has developed a following. However, to be put on such an excessive media is taking it too far. It appears to teens every where that the fame makes these four girl's situations doable. When in all reality, we don't see the 24/7 365 days a year work that goes into being a mother. When I was that age I wasn't worried about my choices in life having to revolve around raising a child. I was only worried about boys and school, and in that exact order. Thank goodness the boys I was worried about I never decided to beat the sh*t out of even if they needed it, Amber. I mean dang Gary! Stand up for yourself and tell that B to gain some of her weight back because her head is starting to look like a damn float in the Macy's Day Parade.
I could comment on this show all day long because there is a lot of material to feed my comedic brain but here is one thing that needs to be left alone: Leave the teens to MTV and keep the tabloids to Brangelina's great adventure of traveling around the world to collect kids.
By Jenner | September 29, 2010 at 10:03 PM EDT | No Comments
If you did not see last nights episode of glee with Miss Spears you need to do yourself a favor and watch it, repeatedly. I have always and will always be a Britney fan. I don't care if she shaved her head and went batty for a little while. I would have been right next to her sweeping up her hair and buying her the hat with the pony tail attached to it. I understand her fury when it comes to having "good hair" and have also had the urge to shave my head. Obviously she has a bigger set then I do. glee shot themselves to the number one slot in my life this week. (That says a lot seeing how it was competing with Amber beating Gary's ass on this week's episode of Teen Mom.) The cast had huge shoes to fill to do her justice and I thought they did a fabulous job!
The controversy over it be too risky for glee watchers, GIVE ME A BREAK. You see what her work is entails. If you thought it was too risky you shouldn't have watched the episode. She shot the ratings through the roof. Pew! Just goes to show the bigger the risk, the greater the reward. Well done glee! We ♥ Britney!
By Jenner | September 29, 2010 at 09:05 PM EDT | No Comments
I have met this guy a couple different times in my life. You know, the guy with his head up his ass. He is the guy that comes at you with a speech about how amazing, happy and successful he is. Rule of thumb: If you have to talk about what you have, who you are or how great your world is there is something you need to prove to yourself not to me. This photo should be put on a shirt with, "At least I'm honest" written below. Look how happy he is taking his true position in life. The photo screams, "Yeah I have my head up my ass and I'm fine with it." I definitely know some people that should assume this position permanently. Granted, this guy may not have a backbone but I've come to realize that when people are tested to do the right thing in life they usually end up showing they don't have one either.
By Jenner | September 19, 2010 at 08:43 PM EDT | No Comments
This whole controversy over Lindsay Lohan is driving me bananas! Who cares if she goes to jail? Who cares is she failed a drug test? Who cares if her extensions look like my Cabbage Patch doll when they had yarn for hair? WHO CARES?! She has to answer for her own life. Who are we to judge one another on how to live? God didn't hand over his role to us to give her judgement day.We hold these celebs to needing to behave like the Pope. They didn't sign up to teach your kids, you did. I agree when you're in the public eye you need to take more responsibility when it comes to your behavior. She's an adult and responsible for her own actions but let's be honest, a person's behavior goes hand in hand with how they were raised. Period. If I could take this little freckled face strawberry back to the days of Parent Trap and give her more structure I would. I'd probably even slap her around currently if she were mine. (I'm all about beating your own kids even though they have CPS on speed dial now.) Instead of chastising her in the media we should be encouraging her to help herself.
I could not imagine living my life under a media microscope and I don't envy people that have to. I know that if all the mistakes I made in my younger years fed the pages of US Weekly I would look like the OG Britney Spears. I hope you get it together fire crotch, I'm routing for you.
By Jenner | September 16, 2010 at 04:55 PM EDT | No Comments
It's funny to me that this syndrome isn't addressed as men get older. The Square Butt & Beer Gut Syndrome. It is rapidly increasing on men around the country. It can be seen at a parking lot near you where bbqing and throwing back cold ones is a way of life. The gut brought to you by Bud Light and ladies you know the butt I'm talking about. The one that looks like it got smacked with a 75 lb book bag and never bounced back.Just like you men like a nice firm behind, so do we. We would prefer to be able to cup the buttox nicely in the palms of our hands not run our hands down your back only to end up at your hamstrings. This is also known as "back-with-a-crack". I'm not saying that Square Butt & Beer Gut Syndrome is necessarily a bad thing. All I am saying is if you're going to criticize us for gravity bags and U-haul ass be willing to look at your aging effects as well. As we women try to stay youthful looking by implanting this and nip tucking that, you men should do your part too. Like for starters, vow to only stand upright unless it is an emergency and remove all book bags from your home.
By Jenner | September 14, 2010 at 09:13 PM EDT | No Comments
Here's my first question: How did they get this guy to keep a straight face knowing he looks like a total D-bag? Sweet hat Bro, Go Huskers! *eye roll* Second question: When he was told the job was to model "headwear", do you think he ever imagined he would have a shaft-shaped object protruding from his forehead?! Third question: Why couldn't the cob go sideways?! I'm going to go ahead and say it's probably because it was made by Kernel Testosterone. When the object on your head is bigger than the object between your legs you are guilty of false advertisement. Trust me this is not the sign of a die-hard fan situation, this is a sign of a die hard and alone situation. Literally. Cheers to you Kernel! Well done on creating this little treasure that can 100% guarantee you will wake up with your own cob in your hand.
By Jenner | September 10, 2010 at 03:33 PM EDT | No Comments
As I prepare for the season finale of True Blood Sunday night at 9pm, I can't help but appreciate the producers for adding Joe Manganiello to the cast. He plays a werewolf that has been sent to protect the beloved Sookie Stackhouse, played by Anna Paquin. Producers have confirmed that his character will be brought back for future episodes. I have confirmed an Amen. I do have to say that Miss Paquin, now Mrs. Stephen Moyer, has got it pretty good with the entire cast of men on this HBO smash hit. She has quickly become the envy of every woman on Sunday nights.
If you don't know about True Blood I suggest you educate yourself. You're welcome.
By Jenner | August 30, 2010 at 10:52 PM EDT | 2 comments
I'm just gonna throw this out there, these were designed by a straight man. Except for the one on the far right, that one was designed by a girl who majored in tequila shots and hair holding. I have to say the creativity and rareness of these sinks is very intriguing. Do you think men get excited when they have to lean into those red sirens to reach their hands under the faucet?! It has to sit nicely in the rear while you pump the soap. (Maybe "pump" is not an appropriate word to use regarding this topic.) I mean if sinks looked like this all over the country we would have a much more sanitary situation on our hands.
By Jenner | August 30, 2010 at 09:10 PM EDT | 1 comment
It looks like Timmy has taken January Jones out of her 2010 Emmy dress and leveled her like a corn field. I have to say if he were my son I would be proud. Timmy has learned to wear his rubber. I refuse to be one of those parents who pretends that their child is practicing abstinence just because they said so. All I will say is, "you better protect yourself because no one else is going to do it for you" and probably insert a backhand. I'm not quite sure how I would explain January's mouth when he got the urge to stick things in it. Maybe as a place for his sippy cup?! Kids always want to bring their new toys home and that's when I would really have to lay down the law. In the words of my mother, "you two have to sleep in separate rooms because you're not married" (and it's 1920). In the words of myself, "please keep her away from your father".